Today has been full in several ways.
Mom came in, I taught my class, went to two meetings, and lots of work to catch up on. I had trouble keeping up with eating enough, but I did! A big breakfast, good sized lunch of leftovers from last night, and a quick dinner of tuna and broccoli.
And I wasn't hungry once. All day.
Craving free, too. You know the difference, right? Hungry is even-the-vegetables-sound-good, cravings are specific and can come even after a great big meal: I want something sweet now, and it should definitely be chocolate!
I literally have felt content all day long.
Even at night. Even now. From the couch, where most of my cravings hit me.
I don't want anything.
I haven't felt like this in the evening, like, ever.
I could seriously get used to this.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Day One
Feeling a little glum and bummed today.
First day of Whole30, I honestly thought I’d be much more excited, and pumped to get this thing going.
I know I need it. As I said, I have a laundry list of unspoken complaints, from tummy discomfort to autoimmune diseases, and this promises to help.
I also need it psychologically. As perhaps is evidenced by my feelings today.
Repeating: I use food. I medicated with food. I am very very attached to food.
So normally on a day like today (snow still melting away muddy and grey, cold and wet, dirty house from the weekend, tired Momma from babes not sleeping so well, lots of laundry and a sinkful of cold, dirty dishes from yesterday), I would just crank up the coffee and sugar up with some simple carbs. And….GO!
But I don’t really like my coffee with just the coconut milk. And I can’t medicate this away (however temporarily). I can’t happy-up with food.
Which is the entire point of doing whole30. To get off this roller coaster of feelings-causing-eating.
So here we go.
I’m about to clean my kitchen, then the rest of the house, then clarify about 4 pounds of butter and make some homemade mayo. All while switching laundry out like a pro.
Let’s hope this works. It’s already hard as hell.
Knowing Why
By A
Before embarking on a Whole30, one of the things they recommend is finding your why. Figuring out what you want--what you need--from it. What you'd ideally like to have happen by the end of the month. Then you keep it mind when you're having a bad day, feeling awful (which, apparently you WILL), or ready to give up because you just want a freaking piece of cheese.
So I should start there. For this, the Story of Our Whole30ies, here is my beginning.
I have been heavy for a long time. My husband and I met and married in 4 months, and had never lived in the same city together until we got back from our honeymoon (a great story for another post). After that, as my husband says, we "dated" while married, and had an amazing 5 months before I got pregnant with our first son. We went to and watched countless movies, ate out constantly, and just basically enjoyed life with one another in every way.
We both gained about 40 pounds.
Then I got pregnant.
Lots of ups and downs from there--both life and weight-related. We ended up with 2 kids and living in the small town my husband is from. Easily one of the most difficult times in my life, I stayed at that pre-kids weight. And have, even through another child, and a now MUCH happier home and city, I'm still at that plus-40 pounds from the first year of our marriage.
In the years between I have tried the following diets:
Atkins
Weight Watchers
General starvation
HCG Diet
Appetite suppressants
Smoothies, shakes, supplements
Cleanses
Low calorie
Aaaaaand I'm still fat.
I have worked hard. Up and down, I've never kept it down. Never, since month 5 of our marriage, been really happy with the way I look.
So I'm frustrated, disgusted, and totally at a loss. Heartbroken a little. Embarrassed. Confused.
And I've spent a whooooole lot of time and money, worked my booty...not off.
At some point, you start to realize there is something else going on here. For me, it's a dependence. I use food as something it's not. It's what I go to when I'm tired (quick carb or sugar kick, plus a coffee or a Diet DP). When I'm sad, it's happy (a favorite, guilty treat to make me feel better). When I'm stressed (big glass of wine with first salty then sweet then...salty treat again). Etc.
So, how do you break that kind of cycle? How do you reclassify food as something, not to depend on, not as a prop, but something to make you healthy, make you feel good (instead of terrible), something you control, instead of it controlling you?
I've done some reading on this. And, in short, this kind of dependency is sinful. Flat out, unquestionably, anything to you go to instead of the Lord, any worldly you need for happiness, is an idol.
Call it addiction. Call it a crutch. Call it whatever you want, it's something I haven't been able to master.
This is ugly, people. And I'm not just talking about the backfat.
This is me, wearing my sins, for all to see.
I am called to more than this. I am a child of the Great King, set apart for his glory. And this backfat aint glorifying anyone. Be.lieve. me.
So. There's the first part of my Why. Whole30 is designed to be a brutal break with your habits and secret indulgences. It's tough. Which is exactly what I need. Cold turkey, to eat, to live, to change. I plan to spend much of my time in this challenge in prayer, and study. This is a readjustment of more than just my diet.
Second. Weddings.
I'm ten years older than my sister. She's fresh out of college and getting married this summer. I am a Matron of Honor. (If that isn't a title for a fat person, I don't know what is!) I must don the dress that her other 23 year old friends are wearing, I must walk down that aisle, and I must stand in a line next to 5 23-year-olds. I must also sing a small song, and give several speeches.
If this is not motivation, I don't know what is.
I've tried for the past three months to do the basic eat-less-move-more lifestyle. I've lost about 10 pounds. But every. single. time I get going, I end up back off track, starving. So starving that I DO NOT CARE anymore, and I eat the contents of our pantry.
Whole30 claims that low-intake diets don't work, and definitely aren't sustainable. Heard that.
Third. Issues.
The following are health issues I have that I'd like to see clear up. This is an add-on reason; it's not why I came to it. But I've found stories of healing of ALL these problems on the website:
Gluten sensitivity
General stomach discomfort (sometimes, but not always because of gluten)
Acid reflux
Autoimmune disorders including vitiligo and endometriosis
Joint pain (no doubt because of the weight)
Low energy
Difficulty sleeping
So. My why.
More to come: daily thoughts.
Thanks for reading!
Before embarking on a Whole30, one of the things they recommend is finding your why. Figuring out what you want--what you need--from it. What you'd ideally like to have happen by the end of the month. Then you keep it mind when you're having a bad day, feeling awful (which, apparently you WILL), or ready to give up because you just want a freaking piece of cheese.
So I should start there. For this, the Story of Our Whole30ies, here is my beginning.
I have been heavy for a long time. My husband and I met and married in 4 months, and had never lived in the same city together until we got back from our honeymoon (a great story for another post). After that, as my husband says, we "dated" while married, and had an amazing 5 months before I got pregnant with our first son. We went to and watched countless movies, ate out constantly, and just basically enjoyed life with one another in every way.
We both gained about 40 pounds.
Then I got pregnant.
Lots of ups and downs from there--both life and weight-related. We ended up with 2 kids and living in the small town my husband is from. Easily one of the most difficult times in my life, I stayed at that pre-kids weight. And have, even through another child, and a now MUCH happier home and city, I'm still at that plus-40 pounds from the first year of our marriage.
In the years between I have tried the following diets:
Atkins
Weight Watchers
General starvation
HCG Diet
Appetite suppressants
Smoothies, shakes, supplements
Cleanses
Low calorie
Aaaaaand I'm still fat.
I have worked hard. Up and down, I've never kept it down. Never, since month 5 of our marriage, been really happy with the way I look.
So I'm frustrated, disgusted, and totally at a loss. Heartbroken a little. Embarrassed. Confused.
And I've spent a whooooole lot of time and money, worked my booty...not off.
At some point, you start to realize there is something else going on here. For me, it's a dependence. I use food as something it's not. It's what I go to when I'm tired (quick carb or sugar kick, plus a coffee or a Diet DP). When I'm sad, it's happy (a favorite, guilty treat to make me feel better). When I'm stressed (big glass of wine with first salty then sweet then...salty treat again). Etc.
So, how do you break that kind of cycle? How do you reclassify food as something, not to depend on, not as a prop, but something to make you healthy, make you feel good (instead of terrible), something you control, instead of it controlling you?
I've done some reading on this. And, in short, this kind of dependency is sinful. Flat out, unquestionably, anything to you go to instead of the Lord, any worldly you need for happiness, is an idol.
Call it addiction. Call it a crutch. Call it whatever you want, it's something I haven't been able to master.
This is ugly, people. And I'm not just talking about the backfat.
This is me, wearing my sins, for all to see.
I am called to more than this. I am a child of the Great King, set apart for his glory. And this backfat aint glorifying anyone. Be.lieve. me.
So. There's the first part of my Why. Whole30 is designed to be a brutal break with your habits and secret indulgences. It's tough. Which is exactly what I need. Cold turkey, to eat, to live, to change. I plan to spend much of my time in this challenge in prayer, and study. This is a readjustment of more than just my diet.
Second. Weddings.
I'm ten years older than my sister. She's fresh out of college and getting married this summer. I am a Matron of Honor. (If that isn't a title for a fat person, I don't know what is!) I must don the dress that her other 23 year old friends are wearing, I must walk down that aisle, and I must stand in a line next to 5 23-year-olds. I must also sing a small song, and give several speeches.
If this is not motivation, I don't know what is.
I've tried for the past three months to do the basic eat-less-move-more lifestyle. I've lost about 10 pounds. But every. single. time I get going, I end up back off track, starving. So starving that I DO NOT CARE anymore, and I eat the contents of our pantry.
Whole30 claims that low-intake diets don't work, and definitely aren't sustainable. Heard that.
Third. Issues.
The following are health issues I have that I'd like to see clear up. This is an add-on reason; it's not why I came to it. But I've found stories of healing of ALL these problems on the website:
Gluten sensitivity
General stomach discomfort (sometimes, but not always because of gluten)
Acid reflux
Autoimmune disorders including vitiligo and endometriosis
Joint pain (no doubt because of the weight)
Low energy
Difficulty sleeping
So. My why.
More to come: daily thoughts.
Thanks for reading!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)